Two Simple Thoughts That Will Change the Way You Date

My guess is that youve been dating a while and not getting great results. Youre here reading this, after all. The best way to shift into having dates that render positive outcomes – like having more fun and eventually meeting The One – is to change the way you talk to yourself before you even leave the house.

Whether its a meet-date or a date-date, there are two things you can tell yourself that will improve your chances of meeting Mr. I Love You. And heres the great thing about this: its 100% in your control. (After all, we do love our control, dont we?)

Self-talk #1: I hope I like him.

This was the one thing I learned from my coach that changed my entire dating experience. For years I lived in a perpetual state of disappointment and self-doubt. Why arent they picking me?!  Then I learned these magic words: I hope I like HIM.

We usually approach meeting men with the I hope he likes me feeling. Then, anything short of getting a second date feels like a personal rejection and failure. But what if you start with whether he seems to be someone you like? Can you see the difference?

The focus then shifts to how you and what you want and need. You stop trying to read his mind – Does he like me? What did he mean by that? – to what really counts: how you feel being with him and if you are having a nice time.

Self-talk #2: Discover, dont Decide.

There is hoping you like him, and then there is hoping that every date will be your last. This is especially true of women dating over 40. Enough already, right? But lets face it: all but one of your dates will be your last. If you go to each telling yourself I hope hes The One, you will explode from the pressure.

So…take off those rose-colored glasses. This is the lens you look through when youre always hoping hes The One. And if, by chance, a second date comes up, the lenses can go a deep hot pink. Thats what starts us searching for signs of hope and connection with every word and action.

We can find the silliest things to validate our belief that hes special…and this could be IT. I’ll confess: on my first real date with Larry, when I saw his CD collection in his car, I thought, “Oh geez…he could be the one! We can talk so openly, and he loves all the same music I do…and we read the same authors! What a great sign!

And then…fast-forward an hour…and he did something that really bugged me. (Out of respect to him, Ill keep this detail to myself.) And in an instant I thought, “Deal breaker. That’s it; another one bites the dust.

All of the sudden I was looking through a different color lens: maybe black. I set out on the path to uncovering his fatal flaw.

I went from planning our wedding to “Here we go again – another disappointment” within 60 minutes. It was getting distracting and exhausting. So I recalled the lessons I had been learning and I took off the glasses. I let all that judgment go. I just told myself to enjoy being with him tonight and see where it goes.

Thankfully, I was able to turn off the voices in my head and not jam him into a “he’s the one or not the one” slot. I was able to give us both the breathing room to really learn about each other. It didnt take long for us to fall in love. (Apparently it took him about two weeks. Men can be so much smarter that us at this stuff.) Larry absolutely was and is the man of my dreams. I am so grateful that I was able to remove my glasses and see him for the man he is.

I know it’s so hard to keep our expectations, hopes and dreams in check. But please go into your early dates with the attitude of just getting to know him and how he might enhance your life. Take the pressure off of both you and just be open without the burden of having to come out of it with a thumbs up or down. Take off those glasses, put your expectations on hold, and you might actually DISCOVER who your date is before you DECIDE who he is. How refreshing (and relaxing) is that!