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Todays post is an article written by my friend, colleague and mentor\u00a0Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. Tina and I met a few years ago after I cited one of her articles in a blog post. I had searched the web for hours looking for someone brilliant to support a point I was making, and I stumbled upon Tinas website. I knew she was a kindred spirit.<\/p>\n
The strange part is that, after finding her on the web, we found out we lived in the same town. Now that was bashert! Fast forward and we are now writing a book together. And we are dear friends. I love you Tina!<\/p>\n
Here is her article. Im posting it as she wrote it because its perfect. I think youll see why she and I click. Let me know what you think!<\/p>\n
As I was swimming last week, a young couple came into the pool. Instead of doing laps or walking, like most of the gym members, they were just enjoying themselves. He started splashing her, and she said \u201cJoey, stop it!\u201d but she said it in a placating, whiney voice. He just kept splashing her. I bit my tongue, because what I wanted to do was tell her she was teaching him to ignore her and push past her boundaries. For all I know, he was a nice guy, and I worried for nothing\u2014but I do know that this is how abuse begins\u2014with small incursions over boundaries. When a potential abuser (male or female) learns that the victim won\u2019t oppose his or her actions, he or she then assumes it\u2019s OK to become more pushy and demanding, and perhaps abusive.<\/p>\n
When you\u2019re dealing with a new relationship, it\u2019s important to notice if the other person is not being considerate, or being disrespectful, or being too selfish. While anyone can make a mistake or fall short of perfect behavior, someone who repeatedly is rude, inconsiderate or obnoxious, and who won\u2019t take \u201cstop\u201d or \u201cno\u201d for an answer, is showing signs of narcissism and emotional immaturity. This is the kind of person who can turn out to be a problem or a jerk.<\/p>\n
Keep in mind that any person you\u2019re in a new relationship with is on their best behavior\u2014courting behavior. It is not going to get better as you get closer. The more a disrespectful person feels there\u2019s some power to be gained, the more he or she will push.<\/p>\n
Here are some ways to notice if a new date has a chance of becoming a problem.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Pay Attention!!! You Have Things to Learn Here!
\nThe most important aspect of a date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this person, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives.<\/p>\n
\u2022 What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business\u2014Your Business Is What You Think of Your Date.
\nOne of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to worry about what your date thinks about you. If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your dates eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, youll miss whats really happening. Youre supposed to be evaluating the *other* person, not pretending to look at yourself through his or her eyes. Pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Look for integrity
\nMake sure your date walks his or her talk. Anyone can talk big. Actually, some of the best people *don\u2019t* present themselves well\u2014don\u2019t overlook someone who is not gorgeous, charming and glib, but has all the qualities you really need in a partner.<\/p>\n
Also, be very consistent and careful about your sexual safety until the relationship progresses to the point that you become monogamous, and both have been tested for STD\u2019s. The nicest people can be infected with a disease and not even know they have it. If you have had unprotected sex, have your doctor do a screening for STD\u2019s. Don\u2019t assume your partner is monogamous\u2014especially if you haven\u2019t discussed it in detail.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
\n1. A demand. Your date won\u2019t take \u201cno\u201d for an answer, and requests are really demands.
\n2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
\n3. Pressure. Your date pressures you to go along.
\n4. Threats. Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.<\/p>\n
Hopefully, because youve thought about the serious issues in advance, youll still be able to relax and have a good time\u2014so good, that you decide to keep dating each other. Then, youll need a whole new set of skills. (From the The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again<\/em>) \u00a9 Tina Tessina 2012<\/p>\n Author Bio: How to Avoid Loving a Jerk Todays post is an article written by my friend, colleague and mentor\u00a0Tina B. Tessina,..<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":674,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[31],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/673"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=673"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/673\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/674"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=673"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=673"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=673"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/demo3.aiwalls.com\/influence\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/14ibzpdvhwm.jpg\" "\\"tina")
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\nTina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction<\/em> (New Page); How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free<\/em> (New Page); The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again<\/em> (Wiley) and The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs<\/em> (New Page); Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage<\/em>, The Commuter Marriage<\/em> and her newest, Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences<\/em>. She publishes \u201cHappiness Tips from Tina\u201d, an e-mail newsletter, and the \u201cDr. Romance Blog.\u201d Online, she is \u201cDr. Romance\u201d with columns at Divorce360.com, Wellsphere.com, and Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Love Network expert. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and such TV shows as \u201cOprah\u201d, \u201cLarry King Live\u201d and ABC news. She tweets @tinatessina and is on Facebook at www.facebook.com\/tinatessina and http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/#!\/DrRomanceBlog<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"